Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize
