He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Randomize
