Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
