Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Randomize
