and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
40s are totally the cure
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Randomize
