He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Randomize
