this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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