My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Boobs are out for the taking
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
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