someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Randomize
