If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
