My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
