goodnight i made you a song goodbye
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Randomize
