you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Randomize
