I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
