And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
