Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Randomize
