I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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