I wish my penis had an off switch
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Randomize
