Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
