Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Randomize
