i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Randomize
