Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
So I just went to clothing optional bar
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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