What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
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They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
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I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
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