I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
my god I love twenty year old dicks
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
