u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
It doesn't have to be a walk of shame...just pretend he took you to breakfast.
No one shows this much boob at breakfast
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Randomize
