I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Randomize
