i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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