For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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