Jerry, you need to find god
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
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