i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
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