my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
21 Dirty Secrets From Bachelor/Bachelorette Parties That Have Destroyed Marriages
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
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Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.