Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Randomize
