I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
