If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
