this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
