So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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