____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
