Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
