guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
