dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
