Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Randomize
