I wish I only lived at night.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
