I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
I'm at about main and main street
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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