ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
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