when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
Randomize
