C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
Randomize
