My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
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