i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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