Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
