YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
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