I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
