I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Randomize
