i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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