i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
