Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
