Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
Four minutes until I can fart!
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
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