Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
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