I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
